The evil flies around the house, landing in your husband, which finally causes him to grow a set of balls and chew you out for being a weird, still-standing hair-flicking woman who's just knocked a massive hole in their dining room wall for no other reason than she needs a hobby.
Needless to say, it's a spooky old house that used to be owned by an illusionist of questionable sanity, and behind the dining room fireplace there's a box of evil.Of Evil! It'd be a bit I more convincing if she scratched her arse once in a while, but once she's guided herself into that idle position, there's nothing but a bristling of the white pixels that come from low-budget Chroma key.Īnyway, the storyline? Well, you've just moved into a house. She will K then follow one of the limited I animations open to her, before shuffling around for a couple of seconds, and returning to her idle static animation. What this means in terms of playing the game, is you get to control a digitised real lady, by clicking one of the few points on the screen that turn your cursor red. In essence, this is a halfway house between point-and-click adventures and the cursed genre of the interactive movie. It's a true testament to modern video compression that Phantasmagoria's tiny, interlaced video window and twee blue-screening of the characters onto still backgrounds, that this game takes up 1.6GB. So begins Phantasmagoria - or so it'd begin if I wrote the script. Brilliantly the twosome fell in love on set, and could well be trading stilted sexual innuendo and vague platitudes to this very day. Ponytail man starred in Witchcraft II: The Temptress, while screamy lady once had a (I think, noil-naked) role in Channel 5's once-famed late-night wankathon Hotline. When I played the ending through and buggered it up the lady got her head cleaved in two by a swinging scythe, which was both grim and strangely satisfying. However, if it's like the rest of the game then it's probably the ponytailed porn man mugging the line, "I may be dressed as an evil clown, but you are my wife and you WILL have sex with me!, followed by a clumsy cut to the blonde woman trying to do an impression of Jack Nicholson's wife in The Shining. Jumping ahead through the discs reveals my version has the controversial 'rape' scene edited out. Sex and violence is certainly lacking in the early bits of the game. Rather than ring up to check who her gas supplier is, the lady's first instinct is to wander round in front of a bluescreen, making stilted movements and looking at dull paintings in the worst attempt at point-and-click mankind has ever conceived.
How It Works:Īfter a breakfast scene in which there's much lumbering conversation that makes you want cave your own skull in with your sub-woofer, it's established that the newly-weds have just moved into a gigantic scary mansion apparently once owned by a nefarious magician called Carlo someone. She kisses the porny bloke, who is blatantly evil. BUT ACTUALLY SHE'S STILL DREAMING AND IS IN AN IRON MAIDEN. She wakes up in bed with her husband, a man with a ponytail normally reserved for the sweatiest men from Porn Valley, California. But that's not all it's so scary that the camera flings itself around like a stunned wasp, and actual tons of fake limbs hang around from everything. A screaming lady with long blonde hair is in a scary place that involves her being strapped into a torture chair.
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